white dove chaun conscious

detransitioning: Why DId I Transition?

I think about the reasons for why I transitioned. Some people say it’s an act of self-love – acting upon how you’ve felt inside for all your life. But my past self wasn’t very loved. I had a terrible childhood. My mother both loved and hated me and my father was largely absent. I felt abandoned and nothing was ever good enough. I learnt to hate myself, and not enjoy being myself which included not enjoying being female.

In my family men get treated better than women. To be my self in a loving relationship I would have to transition. At the time it was the right thing to do. There was no other option for me. I wanted to represent myself as male. I was obsessed with YouTube videos and stories of those that had transitioned. I went to San Francisco by myself to obtain gel sachets of testosterone. I was desperate to transform myself.

Shortly after I transitioned I got a girlfriend. I hadn’t been single for longer than a year before entering my next relationship. Life was good and I had no regrets. Five years later I would find myself locked in my room isolating myself. Before I knew it I would be diagnosed with schizophrenia. My life was to be turned upside down. I was lonely and manhood didn’t help. It’s like no-one could see the real me as they engaged with me. Having said that I liked looking like a man. I physically preferred it, and still do. Which sucks when you’re considering detransitioning.

What is my authentic expression? I still don’t quite know. I want the world to see me as trans. I want to be open and not stealth. So I may start there, at the beginning, with, I’m trans by the way, before anyone calls me “bro” or “brother”. I’m not bro or brother just a woman who looks like a man. I’d love to have a child one day. Unfortunately I cannot give a woman a child. This is something I have to come to terms with. Would life have been better off if I stayed as a “lesbian”?

I never felt comfortable with the term “lesbian”, but now I feel very comfortable with it. I hate being read as a man, as male. It feels false. I am not a man, i’m trans. A woman who became a man, if that is even possible. I never truly feel male. I still don’t wholly like myself. I am recovering from a very bad childhood. I couldn’t be myself around my mother; sing, have an opinion, have a voice or have a say. Everything was met with rebuttal. Now I stay mostly quiet in conversation with nothing to add – I hate it!

Should I detransition? Sometimes I think I hate myself. I disrespect myself and show myself no love. I’ve even started over-eating. At the moment I have shaved my beard and I’m growing out my hair. I kind of look like a trans woman. I feel ugly without a beard, and moustache. I have to decided if I’m going to take my next injection which is due next month. I’ve had two years off T and I don’t look the same as when I was taking shots regularly. Having said that, I don’t want to look like a man anymore. I’m embracing myself as a woman. However I am embarrassed by this change. I embarrassed to admit I made a mistake – even though I have no regrets.

If you want to reach out to me i’m on Instagram @chaunconscious

Spread the love
Everything I've been through in life has brought me to this single realisation: I live for love. I'm a passionate Manchester United fan, singer, rapper, songwriter and artistic performer. My sound is 'Tribal Electro Hip Hop'. I'm the Author of The Nu Vibe Book of Divine Truth. I'm also the author and founder of Cazoom Maths, 'Professional Maths Worksheets'. Whether I'm singing, rapping or writing, there’s a healing intention. I'm passionate about humans, freedom and happiness for all people. My becoming has been a miracle.

Leave a Reply