I think about the reasons for why I transitioned. Some people say it’s an act of self-love – acting upon how you’ve felt inside for all your life. But my past self wasn’t very loved. I had a terrible childhood. My mother both loved and hated me and my father was largely absent. I felt abandoned and nothing was ever good enough. I learnt to hate myself, and not enjoy being myself which included not enjoying being female.
In my family men get treated better than women. To be my self in a loving relationship I would have to transition. At the time it was the right thing to do. There was no other option for me. I wanted to represent myself as male. I was obsessed with YouTube videos and stories of those that had transitioned. I went to San Francisco by myself to obtain gel sachets of testosterone. I was desperate to transform myself.
Shortly after I transitioned I got a girlfriend. I hadn’t been single for longer than a year before entering my next relationship. Life was good and I had no regrets. Five years later I would find myself locked in my room isolating myself. Before I knew it I would be diagnosed with schizophrenia. My life was to be turned upside down. I was lonely and manhood didn’t help. It’s like no-one could see the real me as they engaged with me. Having said that I liked looking like a man. I physically preferred it, and still do. Which sucks when you’re considering detransitioning.
What is my authentic expression? I still don’t quite know. I want the world to see me as trans. I want to be open and not stealth. So I may start there, at the beginning, with, I’m trans by the way, before anyone calls me “bro” or “brother”. I’m not bro or brother just a woman who looks like a man. I’d love to have a child one day. Unfortunately I cannot give a woman a child. This is something I have to come to terms with. Would life have been better off if I stayed as a “lesbian”?
I never felt comfortable with the term “lesbian”, but now I feel very comfortable with it. I hate being read as a man, as male. It feels false. I am not a man, i’m trans. A woman who became a man, if that is even possible. I never truly feel male. I still don’t wholly like myself. I am recovering from a very bad childhood. I couldn’t be myself around my mother; sing, have an opinion, have a voice or have a say. Everything was met with rebuttal. Now I stay mostly quiet in conversation with nothing to add – I hate it!
Should I detransition? Sometimes I think I hate myself. I disrespect myself and show myself no love. I’ve even started over-eating. At the moment I have shaved my beard and I’m growing out my hair. I kind of look like a trans woman. I feel ugly without a beard, and moustache. I have to decided if I’m going to take my next injection which is due next month. I’ve had two years off T and I don’t look the same as when I was taking shots regularly. Having said that, I don’t want to look like a man anymore. I’m embracing myself as a woman. However I am embarrassed by this change. I embarrassed to admit I made a mistake – even though I have no regrets.
If you want to reach out to me i’m on Instagram @chaunconscious
