So if you read my last post I’m suicidal. As I lay here in an unfathomable state I wish to get lost in some reality TV, helplessly comparing my life to that of a fantasy.
My life is a mess.
I’ve left with a debilitating condition that needs explaining. Something serious happens to me and yet the psychiatrist hardly knows about it. My mind peels off and it splits in two, meanwhile my face aches profusely as though my mind is literally splitting, and I can feel that as my face tearing away. When this happens, I lose the ability to focus, including turning my head to perceiving something. My mouth and jaw are numb, and I’m helplessly trapped inside trying to explain the emergency that’s occurring in a seemingly calm environment where nobody can sense that there’s anything wrong. I requested to see the psychiatrist earlier than is scheduled but yet more drama as far as the CPN is concerned.
I’m sad to go. But I’m tried. Tired of having this psychoses. It’s embarrassing, I just can’t believe my life has ended this way. How did I end up in this state? It feels like it came out of the blue, but in truth it’s been building up for 5 years. I’ve been out of work for 5 years and I can’t tell you want I’ve been doing with my time. I was singing and rapping on Instagram for the past 3 or 4 years, that’s all I know. I also used to do motivational talks and share my thoughts over small video clips. I’m sad to go but I am ready. The psychosis attacks i’m having are so hard to describe. I don’t even think I’ve accurately described it to my psychiatrist. I say attack because that is what goes on. An attack on my nervous system. I go into a state of disrepair and despair.
I feel so hopeless.
I just want it to all end.
I’m ready to end my life.