white dove chaun conscious

End it all

I’m banking on no one reading this until it’s too late. Everyday is painful. I have a pressure on my head that travels through my face. I don’t know what it is. Am I scared? Scared to die? Absolutely. Moving into the great unknown and having no idea what it’s going to be like. It could be the biggest mistake I make, or the best decision I’ve made. Like I said, everyday, every second is painful and I don’t fully understand why. My CPN is an arsehole. I’ve been out of hospital for 10 months and I still haven’t had the chance to see a consultant. My symptoms are not typical of schizophrenia. This pain follows me every day, every second and I don’t know what it is, why it’s here or where it comes from. I just know that it hurts.

I count down the time, time until 8 o clock. That’s the earliest I’m able to fall asleep. The rest of the day is hard if not excruciating. I just want peace. Some people might say it’s selfish to leave a mother without a child. If she knew how to help would she? When I was in hospital it was the hardest fight I’ve ever fought. I knew that there was a breaking point. A point of no return. I knew that if I stayed in hospital any longer I would never be the same again in terms of my mental health. I begged and pleaded for my mother to take me in. She refused. Therefore I owe her nothing. Taking my destiny into my own hands. Doing it my way in the end.

I’m fascinated with where I go when I go. It could be a mistake. I could end up lonelier and in a worse fate. I just don’t know. All I know is that life has become unbearable. The prospect of watching your personality deteriorate and everyone thinking this is your new normal, it’s excruciating. Schizophrenia is a disease, a disease I have. I have so many questions and not enough answers. My CPN is a waste of space, all I wanted was to speak to the consultant, that’s all. Yet he said the consultant is not available. Now look.

I found out that there are 18 suicides per day in the UK. I’m not sure if that’s a high figure or a low one. 18 people everyday decide that today will be there last. There must be a number of reasons people go. Some people must be like me in a kind of mental pain everyday that’s hard to describe. It all started in my room whilst posting online. I developed schizophrenia in my room. But the tragedy of hospital care took the condition to somewhere unbearable. I lost my way of communicating. I can only say basic things like yes or no. When I try to put a sentence together it doesn’t work. My writing hasn’t been effected though. I love to write.

I wonder who might read this, after they find out. When you get obsessed with sad stories that you just “cannot believe”. One of them ones. I don’t know where I am now. I’m not sure I believe in the whole looking down on the world idea. I think we just reincarnate into another form, forgetting who we were. I wonder if there is some kind of chief, some grand chief or grand designer to whom we are accountable. I doubt it. This is a massive universe with a lots going on.

I’m so excited to be embracing peace. I have no peace. Only pain. It really is a sad story. I think about people I’ve met in life, people I went to school with. Did transitioning make my life harder? Unfortunately it’s a tricky one. I absolutely look exactly how I would want to look however being a man has more to it than just looking like one. I believe my life became more difficult especially my housing situation. It’s not the reason for taking my own life however.

I wonder about the funeral. Who on earth will turn up. I hardly know anyone anymore. As I type this I feel nothing but excitement. Excitement that my time might be finally up. What a great sense of relief. I hate myself. The way I talk, well I don’t even talk properly anymore. Since the hospital my voice comes out in a strained manner. The hospital was truly traumatic. It took me over the edge. That’s what I’m on. The edge.

In terms of how I left. Well the internet is a bitch. You can buy all sorts. What sick fucker supply’s people with lethal doses of cyanide and gets away with it. It’s pretty twisted but that’s the way we chose. I’ve enjoyed writing this very dark post. Yes I planned everything and thought long and hard about this decision. I can’t afford to have an attempt. There must just be one attempt and then I’m done. That’s me. That’s all folks.

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Everything I've been through in life has brought me to this single realisation: I live for love. I'm a passionate Manchester United fan, singer, rapper, songwriter and artistic performer. My sound is 'Tribal Electro Hip Hop'. I'm the Author of The Nu Vibe Book of Divine Truth. I'm also the author and founder of Cazoom Maths, 'Professional Maths Worksheets'. Whether I'm singing, rapping or writing, there’s a healing intention. I'm passionate about humans, freedom and happiness for all people. My becoming has been a miracle.

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