white dove chaun conscious

Why me?

Why me? Why did I have to be hit with this mental disease. Every second is painful, I’m never relaxed, my mind is chaotic. It has a morning ritual that makes no sense and yet makes perfect sense to a part of me, whereby I have to fulfil certain criteria before and in order to wake up. It becomes fixated with a thing and I have to keep thinking about this thing. It’s hard to explain. I’m then faced with the ultimatum of wake up now or stay in a mental maze that feels like a pressure cooker.

Why me? This must be my most common recurring thought, why me? Why did I have to get diagnosed with schizophrenia? Why did I get chosen to suffer this terrible mental disease? There is no history of the disease in my family, it truly came from nowhere. It means I’m never relaxed, there’s a piercing pain that runs through my face and mouth area. I try to describe my symptoms but it’s so complex. I don’t experience hallucinations but I do assume people are thinking things about me, when my intellect knows they’re probably not. It’s like I can’t help it. That’s when I tell myself to just relax. Just do the thing that seems like the easiest thing but for some reason for me it’s damn near impossible.

I’m hoping that coming off medication would help. Truth is the medication makes no difference to my symptoms. I still experience a kind of mental agony that’s hard to describe. Like an annoying pressure in my head. The pressure runs from my head through to my mouth.

Thoughts of suicide are lethal. I personally have decided I want to live to see 2050. I want to see what the world is like in 2050. However the chances that I fall in love again seem narrow. The idea that I won’t experience the best that life has to offer grates at me; holidays, romances, festivals, making friends. All of these things seem cut off from me now that I have this mental sickness. There’s so much that makes life worth living for. I just need one of those reasons. Just one. At the moment it’s just the hope of seeing what the world might become.

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Hi, I’m Chaun. I identify as non-binary but previously I have identified as transgender male. I transitioned in 2015 at the age of 29. I am now 37. I enjoy rapping, and rap on instagram sometimes. I’m a qualified teacher. I have also been diagnosed with anxiety disorder which means I’m not working at the moment. I work for myself as a hobby building a Children’s educational worksheet website, http://www.primarymathsworksheets.com. I enjoy playing monopoly online (I’m kinda obsessed with it!). I considered detransitioning, and made a series of YouTube videos of my confession that I wanted to become a girl again. I have since decided not to detransition and instead identify as non-binary. If you have any questions hit me up at chaunconscious@gmail.com

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