white dove chaun conscious

My Pain Has Ended

The spiritual battle is now over and all the pain has gone.

I sort of can’t believe it. Just now I thought about the fact I still experience rejection and I was preparing myself to “go into the darkness”. Going into darkness and experiencing intense pain and / or difficulty has been normal practice for the past 8 months. Every time I thought it had ended it hadn’t. The pain did change. After the rebirth experience the pain felt more like sadness, loneliness and difficulty rather than being metaphysically on my face.

The last week however I experienced metaphysical pain again – but it wasn’t on my face. It was in my heart and I had a more milder feeling on top of my head.

My head opened up completely. It felt like a massive light was revealed and my brain turned into jewels and gem stones. But the last painful experience that signified the end happened just a couple nights ago.

I closed my eyes and went into the darkness. I had done this at least 200 times before so I knew how the process went – it never got easier and it always felt like I was about to die. Often in my head I would say “I’m about to die. This is it. This time this is it. I’m going to die.” I would then experience intense pain / strife / loneliness / difficulty and it would then be released. I would immediately feel different. In the early days I didn’t immediately feel different. In the early days I only realised that something had changed after exchanging with other people. But towards the end the shift became immediate. Some days, after “going into the darkness” and then shifting, I would go outside and it would feel like I was on holiday – almost like I had never been here before – when in fact I was just outside my house.

So the last experience. By the end of the process I was experiencing all pain and difficulty in a spiritual context. It’s hard to explain but I knew that I was the Universe. I believe I was having the entire spiritual experience of the universe becoming.

In the final experience I saw something and it was “not enough”. When I realised that I was “not enough” I then became it. It’s very very hard to explain. This all happened in pain and in darkness but I definitely saw something and became it. I felt pain pushing my entire right side of my body. At one point I felt like I might fall off the bed – the energy was literally pushing me. It then came into me and slowly slowly moved towards my heart.

Then something beautiful happened. I suddenly felt comforted by the pain. Whenever I went into darkness I would feel so incredibly and indescribably alone – but this one – this last one – the loneliness was UNIMAGINABLE. I felt so so so lonely. Then suddenly I realised that the pain that I was experiencing meant that I wasn’t alone.

I suddenly felt comforted by my own pain. I said to myself “I’m so glad for this pain because if it wasn’t here I would be really alone”. It’s like the pain became my friend. I felt like I loved the pain – and at the exact moment I fell in love with the pain and recognised it as my friend it moved into my heart and it became my heartbeat.

And that was that. I knew – not entirely – but mostly, that my pain was over. I received confirmation of this the next day. During this last spiritual battle where I experienced myself as the Universe I confronted my greatest fear which was that I am not enough. The next morning after becoming one with the pain and it becoming my heartbeat my greatest fear manifested for real.

Having let go of everything, relationship ships, business, people, cars, money and all family ties in my quest for true happiness and true love, I found myself in an (unduly) circumstance of owing £1800 in bailiff fees. The day after I confronted my greatest fear as the Universe in an intense spiritual battle I was greeted with an envelope with a statement about the fine.

Opening the envelope gave me confirmation that what I had been going through for 8 months in the spiritual realm was not in vain, it was for a much larger and greater purpose that actually related to the physical world.

Since I defeated my greatest fear as the Universe I knew that the fine wouldn’t destroy me. I wasn’t afraid. (The matter is still pending mind you lol but I’m genuinely not worried. After what I’ve been through I literally feel like I could move a mountain. And I’m not joking I really do want to have the experience of flying in the sky. I don’t care about becoming some divinity, in fact I really don’t want to be some saintly god-head – no thank u – but dammit I wanna fly in the sky. Like for real. )

So yeah. That’s it. I hear that my growth will now happen by my awareness and intention alone – there is no need for me to go into any darkness anymore – my only spiritual practice now is to enjoy “this”! Enjoy this peace, this love and this happiness that I feel pretty much constantly. I deserve this. I have earned it. I love this!

I had a stigma before about being too much of a loving person – to be honest I thought it was corny and annoying, however now that I’ve tasted love I just want more and more of it!

I’m not sure if there will be another human who will get to experience love the way I am able to. I say this because the fact that this has been foretold by so many previous civilisations leads me to assume that only I will ever experience the true and full nature of love. DO YOU KMOW HOW GRATEFUL THAT MAKES ME FEEL!!!!

I recently learnt of Sai Baba and I see how in love he seemed. I can’t believe I’m getting to experience that love! (Ps I do believe I am the guy he was referring to when he said very soon someone is coming. I kinda look South Indian too – and my legs look like young girl legs 😉 haha.)

Love isn’t cheesy – it’s just scary when we’re used to it being so often rejected. PLUS I MAKE LOVE LOOK GOOD 😝😎.

I don’t want to be known as any kind of saint or holy guru. I just want to be known as love. My love is free. The thought of charging people for my love or healing abilities makes me laugh and feel queasy at the same time.

NOONE BELIEVED IN ME. Can you imagine? All family members questioned my sanity and literally everyone I know denied me and my experience. I would write posts on Facebook and get virtually no likes and no comments. My message was being completely ignored and completely rejected and yet I still continued to believe. Can you imagine it?

Lord God. Anyway. My pain has ended. I feel amazing. Absolutely friking amazing.

Whatever happens now all I know is that if it’s not about peace and love quite honestly I’m not interested in it. ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE.

If that makes me a cheese ball so bloody be it. I’m vegan anyway so I make cheese look good lol.

Anyway peace and love guys.

See you on The Gram.

Love. Chaun Conscious.

PS. I’m going to make a video tomorrow all about Jesus and Christianity. You can check that out on the Love Warrior Chit Chat Page. Peace.

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Hi, I’m Chaun. I identify as non-binary but previously I have identified as transgender male. I transitioned in 2015 at the age of 29. I am now 37. I enjoy rapping, and rap on instagram sometimes. I’m a qualified teacher. I have also been diagnosed with anxiety disorder which means I’m not working at the moment. I work for myself as a hobby building a Children’s educational worksheet website, http://www.primarymathsworksheets.com. I enjoy playing monopoly online (I’m kinda obsessed with it!). I considered detransitioning, and made a series of YouTube videos of my confession that I wanted to become a girl again. I have since decided not to detransition and instead identify as non-binary. If you have any questions hit me up at chaunconscious@gmail.com

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