I have learnt much about the true self and what true self-importance is. Since the age of zero I experienced chronic and systemic emotional neglect. It’s not that my mother didn’t love me, it’s that she was unable to. This is something I’ve known for a long time but only recently have I accepted it. There’s knowing, then there’s realising and then finally there’s accepting something.
To get to this place of acceptance it took 31 years, a metaphysical death, emotional-body rebirth, undesirable amounts of pain, sadness, loneliness and rejection! (lol). You can’t help but smile here 🙂
I can’t say that I know for sure that under normal circumstances it is easy to shift the vibrational imprint that an extreme case of emotional neglect leaves you with. I honestly don’t know, but you may be interested to learn how I know that it has in fact shifted?
Well. It’s really been the tenant of what has guided me through the entire process which led to a metaphysical death and metaphysical rebirth (let’s just call it a spiritual death and spiritual rebirth for the sake of ease – but the actual events took place at the level of my energetic and emotional body. I can’t say I fully understand it – and to say that I do would be a lie, however it’s starting to come to me slowly slowly, that is, what it was all for and what the direct consequences were. Because I’ve already started explaining I’ll just tell you what I know about it so far.)
On the day “that I died” I felt noticeably different. I actually forgot about it until just last night I was looking through the notes I would make for myself on my iPhone to help me get through the intense grief. On 9th August 2017 I wrote, “9/8/2017: the day that I died. Nothing feels the same”. All I remember is feeling very very different. It was like I was numb. I just knew that “I had died”. It’s hard to explain!
I had been in misery and sadness for about 3 and a half months. The painful metaphysical experiences were becoming less and less and I started to notice that after each intense episode I was left with this unexplainable feeling of “being in love”. It was literally like I was in love with love. I didn’t actually know what I was in love with. It was the greatest love I had ever felt or known.
Many people may wonder why I continued to allow myself to experience these intense metaphysical trance-like episodes of pain. Two reasons really;
- 1) I just knew that I had to. I’ve always had this God-like intuition – a certain kind of knowing. Like I just know things and I don’t know how. I have always unequivocally trusted this knowing, but it’s been a journey learning to trust my feelings. I suppose after any extreme experience of emotional neglect it’s natural that you do not trust how you feel because for a long time the right to feel has been denied to you.
- 2) After each episode I noticed a shift in my vibration. Now this is the point that is most relevant for this article. If I did not have the ability to recognise when my vibration has shifted, none of this experience would have been possible. How did I know when my vibration had shifted?
(By the way I am very aware of my perspective at the moment – it’s quite separate, as in, I am in a perspective which says that it’s possible that “someone” can “neglect you” – when in actual fact you yourself choose this experience so you choose to neglect yourself. I’m not going to raise the perspective because I think this perspective is an important place to gain understanding from in relation to the subject of emotional neglect. My vibration is still one of love so blame will not shadow it’s tone. Last night I wrote in my notepad that the darkness within me has completely gone. What that means (I believe), is that I am unable to share any aspects of my shadow – because I essentially do not have a shadow anymore. So I and indeed you can trust that everything I type here is of absolute and infinite divine love in nature and in quality).
Noticing when my vibration shifts boils down to one tiny but almighty belief. This belief is: I only ever manifest what I am. In other words, what I am I attract.
I have since realised that this holds true for the immediate present only. Due to the density of the experience here in the 3rd degree of heat (traditionally called 3D), the density of matter means that time feels a lot slower than in higher realms. In lower realms – or the hells, time feels like eternity. So if an old friend of mine for example gives me an orange coat but my vibration has shifted so that I only like blue coats now (a basic nonsensical example) then that does not mean that my vibration pertaining to the coat has not shifted. It means that the old vibrational imprint is still expressing itself. When the old friend realises and accepts that my vibration pertaining to the coat has shifted she will stop giving me an orange coat and start giving me a blue coat. We cannot control or manipulate the vibrational imprint of anyone else or the way their emotional imprint relates to us. Typically individuals who find it very difficult to let go of parts of themselves will often hold on to old vibrational imprints of themselves and therefore of “others” too. I assure you, no one likes to “hold on”, it is a very scary place to be when you feel that you have to hold on to parts of yourself.
So what does the shift mean then?
The shift means that if I go to the market place and I interact with someone I have never met before – who has no old emotional vibrational impressions of me – and I notice that they respond to my behaviour in an entirely different way to before, then that’s an indication that a shift has occurred. Or if I meet a type of person that I would usually never before interact with, for example if I have been existing as a “white” racist for a long time and I work on shifting my vibrations of repressed shame pertaining to “black” people and then suddenly I meet a black woman on the roadside and discover this amazing connection – whereas before I would feel a bit uncomfortable – then I know that my vibration pertaining to race has shifted – and similar examples.
So after the pain I always always noticed a shift in my vibration, so I knew it was “doing something” to me.
So I am at this place now where I can finally say that I have let go of the emotional vibrational impression of neglect. I really think the spiritual rebirth was key for this. What was the spiritual rebirth?
This will be the first time, and possibly the last time, I speak about it in detail. I do not like saying things over again. Anything I say in a video I’ll never repeat in an article and everything in my articles I never repeat in video. Everything in my music is also unique – in my music I like to use a lot of humour and satire and cheek, in fact in my music I just like being my full human self who doesn’t give a damn! I guess when I type I stick to the formalities a bit more. It’s all vibration really. With music it’s the musicality of the song that lifts the vibration not so much the words. Anyway.
The spiritual rebirth. I was lying in bed. I became an embryo. By this time I had become accustomed to becoming things. I had previously become a table, a snake, a bull, a person etc etc. This becoming was not physical. I would close my eyes then literally feel like I am these things. Sometimes I would perceive an environment around myself too. As soon as I became an embryo I knew I was an embryo – more specifically I knew I was in the womb.
At first I saw nothing but darkness and a tiny tiny tiny orange light. It was like a ring of orange and then inside was even more darkness. Then I just felt myself growing. The experience was painful and traumatic. I already communicated this via What’s App and I shared it on the spiritual grieving and divine experiences page, so I’m not going to relay it again. Just know that the pain was indescribable and traumatic.
So what was the outcome? Well this is my best knowledge from where I am currently.
1) Shortly after the rebirth I became One with God. Literally. I already described this on the page above.
2) I first became one with God in a vision – I call this place the astral realm. It happened in the astral. But for about 2 months after the rebirth I had key experiences in the physical whereby I was almost sinking more and more into myself. The old Chaun almost dissolved and myself as one with God sunk in more and more. The most recent and I believe final stage in the process was the elimination of all darkness within me.
I’m adding this note on 24th Feb 2018. This was not the final stage of the process! 😝. The final stage happened yesterday and I became one with the worlds pain. I felt the worlds pain in the heart area of the emotional al body and it became my heartbeat. This happened yesterday 😉
After the spiritual rebirth I stopped experiencing pain metaphysically. Instead I would go into episodes of deep sadness which I later recognised as darkness. This was always always experienced as episodes – as in generally in life I felt not only happy but constantly in a feeling of being in love and in peace and then I would go into darkness which would last roughly 12 hours – it would start off as an intense feeling of negativity and then it would intensify to a point where I felt nothing but frustration, confusion, self-doubt and loneliness. Then it would release. I would afterwards notice a vibrational shift. I was essentially becoming more and more of myself. I was literally turning the darkness into light. (About 1 week before this realisation I experienced a Kundalini awakening which signified the beginning of a process where my unconscious and conscious self was being unified – this process has now been completed. I have no unconscious parts – or rather – I am all of my unconscious parts).
I’m adding this note on 24th Feb 2018. I did not experience one spiritual death. The article about spiritual death is the first one. I have experienced several several spiritual deaths. Every time I worked with pain in the emotional body it felt like I was about to die. I didn’t realise at the time that I was literally dying. I laugh now but I assure you it wasn’t funny at the time.
I also believe the rebirth actually changed my metaphysical energetic and emotional body structure – honestly I don’t fully understand it yet. But I know that now is the time to tell you about it which is why I am doing so. It will all relate back again to trust I’m sure 😉
I learn incredibly and supernaturally fast. This has always been the case but since the rebirth it has sped up. If I want to become a better singer for example it might take me 2/3 weeks compared to an average of 2 / 3 years. (Which is why I don’t bother practicing my vocals – I know when it’s time to do that I will!).
The other thing I’ve noticed since the rebirth is that I do not get hurt. If someone slights me, or ignores me, or is rude to me, I do not and indeed cannot feel hurt. I still feel things like embarrassment, self-consciousness, nervousness, but I do not feel hurt. I have no shame. I do not vibrate from the position of shame or pain. I essentially have no metaphysical pain.
I feel connected to every single person I am around. I find it impossible to ignore the energies around me. I am aware and I know how everyone is feeling immediately – it’s like I can literally feel them. I have started to share their thoughts also. This has only just started though.
Basically it’s starting to get a bit fun now lol. But do know it has been hell. I won’t sugar coat this experience because it has been difficult beyond human words to describe.
So how do I know that I no longer vibrate from an impression of neglect? Well firstly I trust myself implicitly – you may like to look at the Visual I received which is above and taken from the 7 Visuals.
The Visual above relates nicely to the theme of this article; now that I am my true self I trust myself implicitly. Because I trust myself implicitly I know that I must, finally finally finally believe that I am important.
I have felt unimportant for all of my life. This is the first time in my life that I do not feel unimportant. I wrote a note whilst grieving about how neglected I feel in everything. Maybe one day I will share it with you. I have lived a life where most of my efforts and work has gone largely unnoticed and unrecognised. I really didn’t ever know how talented I was or how much value my talent has because I always vibrated at a level which led to my talents and efforts feeling wasted, unseen or unnoticed.
So how do I know that it has shifted if I’m not making music that the world is listening to, I have 2000 largely disinterested followers on Instagram and this blog doesn’t get hits in the thousands (yet). The answer is: I just know 🙂
I know that the followers I have are incredibly interested, I know that it is just the old emotional imprint expressing itself, I also know that as a full embodiment of Light I have been a lamp which shows people their own darkness. I know that many people have projected this incredibly uncomfortable feeling on to me and internally and often subconsciously decided that it must be me who “causes” them to feel the unpleasantness within themselves – in fact what they were feeling was the presence of their own shadow. I now know this.
And of course I also know that it has shifted via the other way that I like to communicate to myself – dreams. My dreams are always poignant. I don’t have many dreams but when I do dream the message is always clear. I had a dream just last night which allowed me to know that I no longer vibrate in the energetic impression of emotional neglect. Also in my day to day exchanges with housemates and shopkeepers for example, I do not vibrate this way. So I just know.
When I start making music for the world to enjoy I highly doubt that I’m going to be bothered to write blog articles lol – I just know that this is important work for me to do at the time of writing and I am enjoying expressing myself this way for now – but no doubt music is my first love. Music is going to get all my attention when the ball gets rolling.
So that’s everything about the true self and self-importance. When I did not feel important I used to exaggerate my sense of importance. I would highlight how intelligent I was – because this is the one positive and acceptable attribute I’ve always felt safe to occupy, so I would remind myself and indeed everyone else how intelligent I am. I don’t feel the need to do this any longer. I know who I Am.
When I ask the question “Who Am I?” I cannot find the answer outside of myself. If the answer I give to myself is “Black Boy”, energetically this makes no sense because black as a colour and boy as a concept exist outside of myself. What I really mean is however the term “Black Boy” makes me feel – that is who I am. If I am “Black Boy” then I am actually the feeling that the phrase “Black Boy” triggers within because I can only be within myself I cannot be without myself.
When the younger generation look back and remember a time when humans used to call some of us black and some of us white they are really going to find it quite funny I assure you lol.