Guys the real truth is that I have been going through a supernatural experience for the past 4 months, mostly towards the end of what I call my grieving period.
I haven’t spoken about it really. Fearing I just sound like a looney, or just trying to present the impression that I’m coping fine or happy post life break down.
But now I don’t give a shit! I’m opening up about it!
What I’m going through isn’t about happiness. I don’t feel happy. I feel this unexplainable feeling of in love, and if I don’t feel in love I feel this unexplainable peace.
I now know how to turn the energy of pain and when I’m done it becomes love.
I don’t know if I am doing it or if it is being done to me!
It is a process that seems to be speeding up.
The first time I did it it took months. I didn’t know that this is what was happening.
This was after what I called my ego death when I made the video saying “after 4 months I finally know why I went through it”. I described it as feeling so in love with love.
But yesterday I did it after a 15 minute period of what I can only describe as “pushing pain through my heart”.
There was about a day before where the pain was building up and getting ready to be released. I didn’t feel down, I just felt quite restless, with corresponding niggling thoughts.
After I transform the pain I feel incredibly in love! It reaches a peak and then it slows down.
But I never feel overall the same afterwards.
At the moment I can look at the lake without wanting to cry but yesterday I physically had to put my head down.
Man crying on road is a no no!
That’s an example of female privilege right there! Lol
Sometimes I ask myself, am I kidding myself? I then force myself to think about the things that triggered me before. Nothing happens! Lol.
In fact I feel even more peaceful or loving.
I’m going to start documenting this experience and opening up about it.
I am transforming at a phenomenal rate.
Last night I slept sooooooooo deep. I saw a pregnant woman conceive after 3 weeks.
My heart beat is noticeably stronger and I am noticeably taking deeper and longer breaths.
I’ve lost my appetite/ desire to cook. I feel thirst more obviously.
I feel a stillness / peace constantly and I am noticeably less driven to thoughts I was driven to before.
I am noticeably less drawn to certain people I was drawn to before, but not in some pushing away kind of way. In a loving way.
When I think about negative or insecure thoughts I feel the presence of the sun literally beaming on those thoughts.
This has all intensified since “my ego death” and in particular since yesterday.
I feel slightly less inclined to help through “teaching” and more long for my purpose to involve my physical presence.
I do of course love acting so I’m feeling a stronger desire to follow this course. I like using this blog as an outlet too.
It’s a peaceful and lovely feeling but it too comes with an aloneness, because I feel that no one would understand this!
What do you say to a guy who says he can’t stop crying when he looks at trees! Lol
Plus there’s the fact that I’m going through this experience alone. It was brought to my awareness yesterday that this is a process that I could only go through alone.
Most people I tell say congratulations as if it’s an achievement. I understand why they would say this, it seems as though I reached some kind of perfect place of nirvana!
That’s not how it feels though. I still feel strongly that all this has a purpose, I feel like I have a mission, so I feel restless also until I am able to realise this mission, this purpose.
I don’t feel like I have achieved anything in this. I feel I am becoming something.
That’s what it feels like, a becoming.
All I can think about is this experience. Every other thought lowers the feeling lol.
I just want to go for walks in the sun and I also want to share this!
I walk past old tiptonian’s looking kinda miserable and all I want to do is smile and say hello. I can’t stop smiling at dogs.
How will I end up using this to help the world?
I know 100% that the intensity of this love is not for one or two people. This is for a collection of many souls.
That I am certain. It’s just too strong!!
I’m excited about where it’s going.
I do think this process is not over. I think it’s going to continue to intensify.
I don’t know if I can contain the weeping next time. I’m going to stop forcing myself to hold back, and let this wonderful love flow, BECAUSE IT IS NOT NORMAL!
How will I be used here on earth!?