Love isn’t sexy
So it’s now two days after what I can only describe as my ego death.
I’m still waiting to feel an acute sense of emotion. Still I feel nothing.
I tried to meditate this morning and I realised that how I feel when I meditate is actually the best way to describe how I have been feeling for the past two days.
Not high. Not low. Just, as is. Still.
I wrote about it yesterday in this article, My Ego Death Experience.
To be honest, last night I started to get a bit bored. I guess that’s a feeling.
I didn’t really feel tired in the way I used to and I couldn’t sleep.
I decided to download some games on my phone and play them.
What the heck??
Playing games on my phone is just something I never do. Or did.
Eventually I grew tired and fell asleep.
This morning I woke up feeling exactly the same.
I also noticed that my sexual desire seemed to have lessened remarkably as well.
The increase in libido following my transition has probably been the only thing about my transition that I have not enjoyed.
Thinking about sex 24/7 is actually not that fun.
I went to the bathroom and had a thought, “the offer of love just isn’t sexy, is it? lol”.
Up until now, I had always attracted women who were drawn to the darker side of me, you know, the aggression, the control, the cockiness, even my quick temper.
Perhaps it was just a reflection of the kind of women I attracted, but this morning I smiled when I thought about the idea of being some kind of love drunken hippie. lol.
It’s just not sexy is it lol.
But all I really care about now is love.
At the beginning of my grieving period I was suicidal and hopeless. I felt as though I literally had nothing to live for. Everything that I knew and loved had been taken from me within weeks.
I never had close family ties so I kind of felt that my absence wouldn’t be hugely felt by my family.
Even as I type this I am acutely aware of how little emotion I feel. Am I a sociopath now? Lol. I’m joking.
But now, after my ego death, I have found something to live for. The reason is love.
I have found love to be more than a good enough reason to live.
I looked at the conscious T shirts I had designed and felt strangely put off by logos such as, “Looks fade confidence doesn’t”, or “Proud Vegan”.
To be honest, all I want to have on the t shirt designs are things about Love, God and Universal Oneness.
Even as I type I am waiting to feel sorry for myself.
I feel bloody nothing mate.
It’s so strange.
Maybe if I can tap into anything it’s me wondering if I’ve lost my sex appeal to women, I guess that emotion is called fear.
Yeah, I feel that, just a bit.
I’m making a visual today called How to Turn Pain into Power. I hope it’s useful for us.
Peace. Dopeness. Love
Chaun
