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Love isnt sexy

Love Isn’t Sexy Is It? lol

Love isn’t sexy

So it’s now two days after what I can only describe as my ego death.

I’m still waiting to feel an acute sense of emotion. Still I feel nothing.

I tried to meditate this morning and I realised that how I feel when I meditate is actually the best way to describe how I have been feeling for the past two days.

Not high. Not low. Just, as is. Still.

I wrote about it yesterday in this article, My Ego Death Experience.

To be honest, last night I started to get a bit bored. I guess that’s a feeling.

I didn’t really feel tired in the way I used to and I couldn’t sleep.

I decided to download some games on my phone and play them.

What the heck??

Playing games on my phone is just something I never do. Or did.

Eventually I grew tired and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up feeling exactly the same.

I also noticed that my sexual desire seemed to have lessened remarkably as well.

The increase in libido following my transition has probably been the only thing about my transition that I have not enjoyed.

Thinking about sex 24/7 is actually not that fun.

I went to the bathroom and had a thought, “the offer of love just isn’t sexy, is it? lol”.

Up until now, I had always attracted women who were drawn to the darker side of me, you know, the aggression, the control, the cockiness, even my quick temper.

Perhaps it was just a reflection of the kind of women I attracted, but this morning I smiled when I thought about the idea of being some kind of love drunken hippie. lol.

It’s just not sexy is it lol.

But all I really care about now is love.

At the beginning of my grieving period I was suicidal and hopeless. I felt as though I literally had nothing to live for. Everything that I knew and loved had been taken from me within weeks.

I never had close family ties so I kind of felt that my absence wouldn’t be hugely felt by my family.

Even as I type this I am acutely aware of how little emotion I feel. Am I a sociopath now? Lol. I’m joking.

But now, after my ego death, I have found something to live for. The reason is love.

I have found love to be more than a good enough reason to live.

I looked at the conscious T shirts I had designed and felt strangely put off by logos such as, “Looks fade confidence doesn’t”, or “Proud Vegan”.

To be honest, all I want to have on the t shirt designs are things about Love, God and Universal Oneness.

Even as I type I am waiting to feel sorry for myself.

I feel bloody nothing mate.

It’s so strange.

Maybe if I can tap into anything it’s me wondering if I’ve lost my sex appeal to women, I guess that emotion is called fear.

Yeah, I feel that, just a bit.

I’m making a visual today called How to Turn Pain into Power. I hope it’s useful for us.

Peace. Dopeness. Love

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Everything I've been through in life has brought me to this single realisation: I live for love. I'm a passionate Manchester United fan, singer, rapper, songwriter and artistic performer. My sound is 'Tribal Electro Hip Hop'. I'm the Author of The Nu Vibe Book of Divine Truth. I'm also the author and founder of Cazoom Maths, 'Professional Maths Worksheets'. Whether I'm singing, rapping or writing, there’s a healing intention. I'm passionate about humans, freedom and happiness for all people. My becoming has been a miracle.

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