white dove chaun conscious
Love isnt sexy

Love Isn’t Sexy Is It? lol

Love isn’t sexy

So it’s now two days after what I can only describe as my ego death.

I’m still waiting to feel an acute sense of emotion. Still I feel nothing.

I tried to meditate this morning and I realised that how I feel when I meditate is actually the best way to describe how I have been feeling for the past two days.

Not high. Not low. Just, as is. Still.

I wrote about it yesterday in this article, My Ego Death Experience.

To be honest, last night I started to get a bit bored. I guess that’s a feeling.

I didn’t really feel tired in the way I used to and I couldn’t sleep.

I decided to download some games on my phone and play them.

What the heck??

Playing games on my phone is just something I never do. Or did.

Eventually I grew tired and fell asleep.

This morning I woke up feeling exactly the same.

I also noticed that my sexual desire seemed to have lessened remarkably as well.

The increase in libido following my transition has probably been the only thing about my transition that I have not enjoyed.

Thinking about sex 24/7 is actually not that fun.

I went to the bathroom and had a thought, “the offer of love just isn’t sexy, is it? lol”.

Up until now, I had always attracted women who were drawn to the darker side of me, you know, the aggression, the control, the cockiness, even my quick temper.

Perhaps it was just a reflection of the kind of women I attracted, but this morning I smiled when I thought about the idea of being some kind of love drunken hippie. lol.

It’s just not sexy is it lol.

But all I really care about now is love.

At the beginning of my grieving period I was suicidal and hopeless. I felt as though I literally had nothing to live for. Everything that I knew and loved had been taken from me within weeks.

I never had close family ties so I kind of felt that my absence wouldn’t be hugely felt by my family.

Even as I type this I am acutely aware of how little emotion I feel. Am I a sociopath now? Lol. I’m joking.

But now, after my ego death, I have found something to live for. The reason is love.

I have found love to be more than a good enough reason to live.

I looked at the conscious T shirts I had designed and felt strangely put off by logos such as, “Looks fade confidence doesn’t”, or “Proud Vegan”.

To be honest, all I want to have on the t shirt designs are things about Love, God and Universal Oneness.

Even as I type I am waiting to feel sorry for myself.

I feel bloody nothing mate.

It’s so strange.

Maybe if I can tap into anything it’s me wondering if I’ve lost my sex appeal to women, I guess that emotion is called fear.

Yeah, I feel that, just a bit.

I’m making a visual today called How to Turn Pain into Power. I hope it’s useful for us.

Peace. Dopeness. Love

Spread the love
Hi, I’m Chaun. I identify as non-binary but previously I have identified as transgender male. I transitioned in 2015 at the age of 29. I am now 37. I enjoy rapping, and rap on instagram sometimes. I’m a qualified teacher. I have also been diagnosed with anxiety disorder which means I’m not working at the moment. I work for myself as a hobby building a Children’s educational worksheet website, http://www.primarymathsworksheets.com. I enjoy playing monopoly online (I’m kinda obsessed with it!). I considered detransitioning, and made a series of YouTube videos of my confession that I wanted to become a girl again. I have since decided not to detransition and instead identify as non-binary. If you have any questions hit me up at chaunconscious@gmail.com

Leave a Reply