My Spiritual Death Experience
I lay in bed.
It’s around 4pm in the day.
The curtains are closed and it’s as dark as an English summer can be.
Where is the heaviness?
Where is the sorrow?
Where is the grief?
I look at my bedside clock and yawn.
I figured that if I just lay here for a bit i’d get some sort of feeling. Some sort of impetus to do something.
Eventually I sat at the edge of my bed. I stared at myself in the mirror.
By this point my grieving period had involved some unbelievably intense supernatural phenomena, and I had started to question my sanity.
I figured to myself that as long as I continue to question my sanity, then that’s a good sign that I’m not actually in, or going insane.
I looked at myself dead in the eye.
How do you feel mate?
This was starting to feel a bit weird. Why couldn’t I feel anything?
Just the day before I had felt an overwhelming sense of triumph, which I saw as an indication of the end of my grieving period.
I felt this kind of love I had never known. I did not know what I was in love with. It was like I was in love with love.
During this time due to the sheer intensity of the pain and grief I started creating vlogs for myself.
The following morning I had come to the profound realisation that I had manifested a situation in my life where I literally became nothing.
My business, money, car and romantic relationship had all gone, all within the same month, and my personal life was non-existent. I had no family or friends and I was completely alone.
But for the first time in the 4 month grieving period, I felt this overwhelming realisation that I had created it.
I realised that all of my life had amounted to this point, where I had manifested the becoming of nothing.
It’s like my whole life made sense. I realised I must have come here with the intention of becoming nothing – unseen, unheard, unknown, disconnected and completely alone.
Why was I ok with that?
I didn’t really understand what was going on.
Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I’ve just become numb. The pain, the grief, it would certainly kick back in at some point.
I forced my mind to ponder over the loss of a business, the loss of my money and the loss of my ex girlfriend.
Why the heck couldn’t I feel anything?
I felt no anger, no resentment, no care. Just nothing.
It was so strange, almost surreal.
I sat there waiting to feel something. A desire to do something. Go somewhere.
Eventually I felt the desire to go for a walk.
I did my usual go to the park walk, which was something I had become very accustomed to whilst grieving.
Usually, if there were too many people in the park then I wouldn’t really want to go in. I always wanted to be in the park by myself. I just wanted to be alone with nature.
This time the park was busy and vibrant. I didn’t mind. I didn’t even notice in fact, until I realised, “Ah people, how strange that I’m cool with this”.
Because I didn’t necessarily feel good, I didn’t feel bad, just neutral, I assumed that something heavy would kick in at some point.
On my way home I realised how I felt.
I felt dead. Something had died.
Had I experienced a spiritual death?
I went home and Googled spiritual death. The results displayed some Christian blog articles that I wasn’t particularly drawn to.
I then came across the Buddhist notion of Ego Death.
That’s it, I thought, my ego was dead. Or at least, more dead than before.
I looked at my phone and felt uncomfortable with the disorganisation of the Apps. I also deleted Instagram and Facebook. I wanted my phone to be as empty as possible.
Night-time came and in the darkness of my room I thought to myself, “Here we go, darkness. Something is going to kick in.”
I waited for raging thoughts of my ex and her new love interest (just 3 months after breaking up) to pollute my mind.
I even went to the website of the business that was unethically acquired.
What the fuck. I was dead. My ego was dead.
I lay in bed. The darkness felt strangely peaceful. Almost beautiful.
I waited for the desire to do something.
I decided to blog.
Here I am.
The day after my ego death.
NB: At the time I called this an ego death to avoid the christian sounding Spiritual Death. What I went through was a spiritual death. I am adding this note on 16th January 2018. love Chaun
I hope I haven’t lost my game or sexual charm lol 🙂
Peace. Love. Dopeness.